if you like me you must not know who I am
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
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He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
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Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
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