I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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