At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
My life is pants optional.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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