Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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