what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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