I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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