Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
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