Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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