We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
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