Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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