the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
