did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
