just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
