Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
