I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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