woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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