There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
