Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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