She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
