Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize