May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
