Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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