new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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