i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
