mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
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