If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Drunk is a universal language darling
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