Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
