Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
