he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I think I won the penis lottery.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
