you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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