I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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