im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
