Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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