I'm gonna have a badass scar
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
