I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
