I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
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