I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
