You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
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