I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
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