Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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