I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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