Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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