ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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