good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...