ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
25 People Confess The Biggest Betrayal They Have Ever Faced
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.