matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I stole an accordion from the bar
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches