Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
