I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I will pee on everything he values.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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