My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
people are starting to question the shark bite story
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Randomize
