You're my little dorito
He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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