I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
