he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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