i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I could make wine with my vomit
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize