Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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