someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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