First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Randomize
