I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
